Thursday, January 5, 2017

Looking Back, Looking Forward

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Did some reflecting on the way to Chicago last weekend, and here's the result - do you have any regrets or big changes that happened in 2016? How are you planning on moving forward into the new year?

I'm sitting here on a United flight from D.C. to Chicago, knitting a sky blue ear warmer for a friend back home, and thinking. That's why I like knitting - you can't text, you can't write, you just have to think to the rhythm of the clicking needles as something starts to form between your hands. Lame, maybe. Relaxing, yes.

I normally don't "do" New Years resolutions. I also said at the beginning of this fall that I don't believe in karma. I also read a monthly horoscope from Astrostyle while I was driving through West Virginia on my way to move to Richmond that told me to get painfully honest if I wanted to preserve a specific relationship in my life.

I think this year I'll "do" New Years resolutions. And I think I believe in Karma now.

In 2016, I broke someone's heart and lost my travel companion, my best friend, and the person that I had considered to be the love of my life. I learned that good intentions don't erase truth and pain. Learned that despite what you may have been taught, hard work does not triumph over all things. It helps, but it does not always prevail. 

In 2016, my family split apart. I had considered my immediate family to be an unbreakable unit. People I could rely on forever. My closest confidantes and my go-to adventure crew. And my family members still are all of those things - just in shifted roles. I learned that expectations and preconceived notions of how things "ought to be" don't trump reality and unseen struggles. Learned that adaptability is key.

In 2016, I checked some boxes. I moved in a linear progression from graduation to Portland to Richmond to renting an apartment alone to a new job to adopting a dog. Check, check, check. There was a box I didn't check, and that box haunted me for a while. I learned that linear progression is a mindless way to "grow". Learned that my check boxes won't always come in the "right" order or even come at all.

In 2016, I'm not sure that I grew. Perhaps not as much as the preceding year when I studied abroad and was in love and had an intact all-American family of five. Or maybe I grew more, and we just won't see it manifested quite yet. 

I read somewhere that 2016 was the year of karma. That explains a lot. Perhaps I should have taken the Astrostyle horoscope I read on the West VA state line to heart. Or perhaps that's all part of the karmic lesson of 2016.

Where is my next check box? That's developing as we speak, I think. 

I'd like to turn my passion for writing and creating into something that serves me in a financial manner. I'd like to say "yes" more often, to more opportunities, with more people. I'd like to remember that time will heal most (all?) wounds, remember that there are many paths to "success" (whatever that is), and remember that past mistakes do not define the present or future. 

You (and I) are not 2016. We are today. 

1 comment:

  1. My dearest PDX Belle,

    Probably, most definitely, your best blog yet. That truly brought me to tears. I personally cannot wait to see 2017, 2018, 2019 and more because I know that it will bring great success but more importantly happiness your way (and mine).

    That horoscope you read through the mountains of West Virginia was not talking about the relationship you're thinking about-but the relationship with yourself.

    Ily may may forever and always